Begin Again
by Holtzdamnn
Summary: Hanna didn't always have these problems, most of them popped up with Alison's mental abuse. Now she was back, they were all popping up again. One by one, until she's slowly self-destructed. T/W: Self Harm, alcohol abuse (only mentioned), and bulimia. [UPDATED 2016]


Alison had been back in Rosewood for a week now, and Hanna had felt herself drifting, slowly losing who she thought she was and how far she had come from being Hefty Hanna. It's not that Alison being back was a bad thing, she hadn't even been her bitchy old self since returning but it didn't mean that Hanna wasn't ready for the snide remarks to be shot her way. She waited for old wounds that had finally healed, to violently re-open at any small thing the blonde might do or say to her.

"_It used to be easier to tell us apart, wasn't it?" Alison quipped before walking towards the exit of the building, leaving behind a deep in thought Hanna. She wouldn't lie to herself, the blonde's words had hurt, and left that familiar sting in her eyes which she refused to let her tears fall from behind the dam she had built. She can't keep lying to herself anymore, now Alison was back she had no idea who she was. It's like everything has suddenly stopped moving, things are crumbling around her and she's been left to pick up the pieces. If she could even manage to do that._

"_Hanna," The blonde snapped from her thoughts, she looked back to see that Mr. Donahue was long gone. Alison greeted her with a confused and impatient expression on her face, "let's go, you're my ride remember?"_

Hanna's destructive behaviour hadn't always been there, a nagging thought that would eat at the back of her mind. It was only when Alison had suggested that she vomit her meals up, that it had started the very slippery slope for the blonde. She used to purge every day, Alison coaching her from the slide lines and almost devilish smile plastered onto her face. After she had 'died' and Hanna got the makeover from Mona, the purging only happened when she felt conflicted about her weight, or when she heard the nagging voice in the back of her mind, telling her to do it. To give in.

The self-harm hadn't been there from the start either, and truth be told it would've never happened had it not been for an accident that started it off. Washing the dishes while angry about Caleb leaving her was never going to be a good idea, especially when knives were involved. The steel sliced her hand open, and she had initially hissed at the pain that welled in her hand, before welcoming it along with the sting that come from when she cleaned it. After that, she'd gathered a small pile of shape objects and it had become a nightly ritual.

Now Alison was back, the two habits had resumed, the self-harm more prominent than the purging. Only now along with those, Hanna had picked up a third one, alcohol. She'd never been one to over drink, but the way it numbed the millions of thoughts that skittered around her head was wonderfully relaxing. She would fall into multiple bottles a night, just to keep the thoughts (and tears) at bay. The only problem with drinking that excessively was the hangovers, she'd gotten better at coping with them, and sometimes her friends wouldn't even notice the fact that she was hung-over.

There had been some light in the darkness, Caleb was there willing and waiting. He didn't ask questions, didn't want answers and didn't expect anything from her. He wouldn't ask why she dyed some of her blonde locks black, nor would he ask why she was exclusively wearing long sleeves. He didn't ask why he was delivering drinks to her at midnight, while she sloppily hung all over him desperate for some type of lifeline to hold onto. It was nice to have someone that wouldn't shoot her accusing glares.

All four girls had been invited over to Emily's house for dinner that night, to say it was a surprise was an understatement. Emily's mother had welcome Alison back with open arms, almost forgetting what she put her daughter through. Even though Hanna hadn't wanted to go, the brunette had expressed that there was no backing out, their (she had laughed at that, Alison roping them in so easily again) story about the kidnapping was coming undone at the seams. Ali had suggested that they would all head over to Hanna's place – where she had been sleeping for the past few nights as her Dad was away on business – after school to run through their story, in case Emily's mom brought up any questions that night.

"Can't we do it somewhere else?" Hanna asked while pushing around her salad absent-mindedly, she didn't even know why she had picked up the food, it's not like she was going to eat it anyway.

"No we can't, everyone else's parents are going to be home. Your mom works late, it's a blessing in disguise," Hanna caught the roll of the blonde's eyes as she turned back to the girls, resuming the conversation from before.

"What about your house?" Alison visibly tensed at the suggestion, and Hanna noticed Emily was quick to lay a reassuring hand on the girl's arm. The brunette said something that Hanna didn't catch too focused on trying to figure out what the hell was going on between the two girls.

After a few moments, they had all returned to the conversation, letting Hanna go back to playing with her salad. The blonde's plan to get them to have this meeting at anyone else's house but hers had failed, and now she was going to have to skip last period to go home and discard of the empty bottles that are scattered around her bedroom.

"I have to go home," she awkwardly grabbed her bag from the back of the chair, swinging it around her lithe frame.

"Whoa, Hanna, wait, we have English together. You can't leave me along in Ezra's class."

"And you're my ride, again."

Hanna shifted on her feet, she really needed to go make sure nothing could be found at this meeting this afternoon. "Look, I'm sorry Aria, you are going to have to deal with that," Aria slumped, uncapping her water bottle, "and Ali, why don't you grab a ride from Emily seeming something shifty is going on between you two. I have to go."

With that she turned and walked off. She didn't see the accusatory looks from each of the girls, or hear the "what the hell is going on with her," that Alison said.

_I'm in the business of misery  
Let's take it from the top  
She's got a body like an hourglass, it's ticking like a clock_

Hanna scoffed, some songs just hit too close to what she's dealing with right now. The blonde quickly hit the next on her phone before pocketing it again, then slammed another empty vodka bottle into the trash bag.

_I need a wrecking ball  
I want the sky to fall  
God I feel so small tonight_

Apparently the shuffle on her phone hates her, Hanna angrily fished her phone out from her pocket again and swiped a few times before landing on a song she actually wanted to listen too. Venturing off into the adjoining bathroom seconds later.

_There's a ghost, she's wearing my face  
At parties being introduced with my name  
Just a skeleton of bones, wearing nothing but clothes  
And she is paralysing_

The sight that greeted her when she stepped into the too white bathroom, didn't even shock her, and Hanna had only just realized how luck she was that her mother didn't go into her bedroom anymore.

The blonde hadn't exactly been careful the other night, when she had relapsed. There was blood all over the shower floor, from where it hadn't drained away after the water had been switched off, red droplets also scattered on the porcelain sink. Only when she had seen the mess had it hit her, that she'd done some real damage to herself the other night after her and Ali had returned from the funeral home.

Even though the damage was monstrous, the relief was well worth it, everything had been running through her mind for the entire drive home and she hadn't been able to contain the itch that ran all over her body. She was lucky that she had her own bathroom, Hanna didn't think that she could've just ignored the itch to cut and just fall asleep that night.

_There's a sound, it's haunting my dreams  
Like children laughing in the distance and I don't know what it means  
Am I afraid to be alone, that nobody will ever know this death  
I'm dying_

Blunt razors had been stashed behind all the medicine in the cabinet, they were old and were caked in old blood that had refused to be washed off. She tossed them into the black garbage bag, they had needed to be thrown out for a while and she just hadn't gotten around to it. She also grabbed some of the smaller bottles of alcohol she kept there and moved them into her mother's room, she'd get them back tomorrow morning before Ali wakes up, she didn't want to give the girl's any more ammo to fire at her than they already had.

She walked back into the bathroom and found the sharper, and newer razors she had left on top of the cabinets and the shower glass, Hanna moved these into a small empty ring box which she stashed behind some chunky old book in her bookshelf. The blonde then moved onto cleaning the toilet and shower drain, not that they needed it, but she needed to be sure she got rid of all the evidence of blood and/or vomit.

_There's a heartbeat under my floorboards  
Charging me guilty and I don't know what for  
There's a black bird over my door singing nevermore  
Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore_

The meeting at Hanna's house had gone fine, except for a couple pointed looks and glances from the girls. At one point the blonde had excused herself to the bathroom, almost tripping over herself as she slammed the door shut fidgeting with the lock. She looked frantically around for something sharp, anything at all to stop the mental abuse that was running through her mind.

"_Honey, you sure you want to eat that?"_

The words from so long ago still haunted her, they came to the forefront of her mind as Alison had offered her a sandwich, grabbing one even though she wouldn't eat it. She didn't think she could stomach it as long as the words kept rattling around in her brain.

_Mamma told me not to take what's given  
Just try to survive  
So don't judge me for the life I'm livin'  
At least I'm still alive_

Giving up her search, knowing that she had already moved everything sharp out of her bathroom and hidden it behind books or other furniture, Hanna walked over to the toilet and pushed the seat up, violently sticking two fingers down her throat, willing herself to throw up. She hadn't even noticed the tears that were now freely running down her face. After successfully expelling the food from her body, she washed off her face and rinsed out her mouth.

_I always wanted to be something better  
I always wanted to shine  
And now I know I can't deny my nature  
'Cause I got somethin' to hide_

After what seemed forever, Hanna finally released the vice grip she had on the edge of the sink, undressing herself and staring into the mirror taking in the war torn body that was now reflected back at her. She hadn't noticed how pale she'd gotten over the last couple of days, or how frail her body had started to look within these last few months. At least it was working. Her eyes trailed down, angry red cuts staring back at her, still seeping small amounts of blood. Some needed to have their dressings changed, and most of them were ugly and pulsing from the cold air that ran over the top of them.

"Han, what are you doing in there?" The doorknob rattled, the blonde quickly pulled her pants up, and put away the pills she had accidently knocked over in the haste to find a razor.

"Nothing! I just had to… powder my nose." She was just about to put on her shirt when she heard Emily's curt response.

"Well, hurry up, you need to listen to this too." She heard the brunette's footsteps retreating away, and let out a breath that she hadn't known she was holding.

_Lord knows there's a bad thing comin'  
I feel it in my bones  
On the horizon there's a storm that's blown'  
Keeps me on my toes_

Hanna stayed still for a few more seconds, holding her black shirt in her hands. She stared back into the mirror, taking in the visible collarbones, that way her ribs protruded when she breathed in She took in every flaw, chin, arms and hips alike. She noticed every fading scar that adorned her arms and stomach.

She took in her eyes. Devoid of emotions, of happiness. She took in the way her smile no longer reached all the way, she noticed the mask she had constructed, and how it had taken a permanent place on her face. It wasn't one she had wanted to put there, instead it was one she was forced to after lying to her friends, to her mother, too many times.

_I always wanted to be something better  
I always wanted to shine  
And now I know I can't deny my nature  
'Cause I got somethin' to hide  
I got a secret_

The blonde was the last one to arrive at Emily's house that night, she hadn't needed to drive Ali over as she had gone home with the brunette after their meeting. The only reason Hanna had been late was because she spent twenty minutes in the shower washing the blood from new wounds, and to say she was apprehensive about the dinner was definitely an understatement. In all honest she didn't want to be here at all.

"Han, there you are," Spencer came out of the house to greet her, a smile gracing her face as she sucked down the rest of her drink before taking the blonde into a bone crushing hug. "Oh, gee, you're pretty light these days."

Good. That's what she was aiming for.

Hanna dismissed the compliment, instead opting to ask what was for dinner. Spencer let out a hearty laugh and a quick quip about the blonde always being hungry, before telling her that she should come inside and see the feast for herself.

She almost vomited at the word that left the brunette's mouth. Feast.

As they walked up to the front porch, Hanna's eyes landed on the drinks cart that was just outside the door. She didn't know Pam would let the girls drink that night, or at all, even though they were all of age. The blonde separated herself from Spencer and darted for the cart, grabbing herself a beer and took a long gulp of the wonderful alcohol. She accidently bumped into Spencer, who had leaned against the doorway waiting for Hanna to be done serving herself.

"Starting a bit early there?"

"Not really," Spencer got the hint and dropped the issue, they ventured further into the house and she was met with another bone crushing hug from Aria, followed by a simple soft hug from both Emily and Alison. As they both departed into the kitchen to help Pam, Hanna contemplated what the hell was going on between the two girls, even though she wanted to call them out she decided against it, knowing that she would turn out to be the bad guy at the end of the fight that would surely go down.

Conversation went by smoothly between the five girls and Pam, they mostly stuck to topics that wouldn't raise any suspicions, which meant that Hanna was blatantly ignoring it. She didn't want to talk about school when she had just spent six hours at that place, by the time dinner was finished cooking and set out on the table, Hanna had finished five beers and was definitely starting to feel the effects of the liquid.

Dinner would've been wonderful, if Hanna wasn't thinking about how many calories was on each spoon full of food that she consumed Every single bit she took, was met with a mental insult in the voice of the other blonde at the table.

"Hanna?" She lifted her head, had they been talking to her? She hadn't even been taking note of the conversation that was happening between the table.

"Uh, sorry. What?"

"I asked you how your mother was," Pam smiled at the girl, then plopped another mouthful of food into her mouth, chewing slowly. _Just make it looks so easy, why don't you._

"Oh, she's good. Work has been keeping her out of the house quite late recently, but I'm fine on my own." Hanna smiled back at Pam, a little too forced, but she was glad no one picked up on it. The conversation moved away from her, which meant her attention went back to moving her food from one side of her plate to the other side. Hanna physically slumped, she didn't want to be here anymore, and she sure as hell didn't want to eat anymore of this, or ever keep it in.

The blonde quickly excused herself and rushed up to the bathroom, a few worried expressions got passed around the table by the girls, but they kept eating and kept the conversation running, acting as normal as they possibly could

Hanna paced back and forth in the small bathroom, this was taking everything to the next level. She'd never thrown up at her friend's places, nor had she ever wanted too, but right now with her urges soaring off the charts and the all familiar itch returning. She didn't think she'd have much of a choice.

The blonde raised the seat of the toilet, leant over and stuck her fingers down her throat. Relief washed over her when the contents of her stomach poured out of her and into the bowl, as she went to get up a wave of nausea crashed into her and she gripped the sides of the toilet again. She heaved, only this time she felt someone running their hands through her hair, bunching it up to hold it away from her face.

"Hey, you okay?" Emily's soft voice broke through her ears. Of course it would be her.

"I'm fine," Hanna shrugged off the hand that was tracing small patterns on her back, she steadied herself from falling over by gripping the basin of the sink and started to wash her face.

"No, you're not. You haven't been ever since Alison came back," Emily grabbed the girl's shoulders and turned her around forcefully, before ripping her hands away like she had just been burnt by the blonde. "God, you feel like a skeleton."

"Em," Hanna hated how broken her voice sounded, how hoarse it left her fragile body, "Please, just leave."

"No, this is my house remember?" Hanna tried to push away from her, but along with the strong hold Emily had on her and the fact that the blonde didn't had much energy left in her body to fight, she didn't get away. "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you slowly destructing, don't you remember that I had the same problem with drinking after Maya?"

"This isn't like that, you don't know anything." The blonde pushed harder this time, finally able to detach herself from Emily. Hanna moved slowly over to the edge of the bath and sat down, closing her eyes as she snaked thin arms around herself, wishing for the world to stop spinning.

"Well, why don't you tell me about it then?"

"The truth?"

"Yes."

She was sure Emily wasn't going to want to hear this, Hanna knew something was going on between her and Ali, and now if she said that her destructive behaviour is all because of Ali it would tear her up inside. The blonde started to explain how she has been conflicted about certain things ever since Alison had come back, and that she had turned to booze to numb the dangerous thoughts in her head. She talked about how Alison's voice had started to make backhanded comments about her weight, within her head, how it felt like it was screaming at her at all points of the day. She opened up and told her that she was vomiting her food up most days, and refusing to each any of the meals placed in front of her. By the time she was done tears were already streaming down her face, her eyes were red and puffy. Emily looked exactly the same, she had taken Hanna's arm within her own somewhere between everything that was confessed and hadn't let go.

"Look," She wiped at her eyes forcefully, "It doesn't matter, I'll sort myself out." She moved to get up but Emily clamped harder around her wrist, the blonde wincing at the added pressure to her already sore and pulsing cuts.

_Feel paralysed  
Like I'm frozen in time  
Just wanna close my eyes  
Make it go away_

"Hanna…" Emily tried to pull her sleeve up, but Hanna wasn't having any of that and went to pull her arm away. The two had a brief struggle over the rights to the blonde's forearm. "Oh my god!" Emily saw the red angry lines, when Hanna's sleep had ridden upwards during their struggle.

"It's not what it looks like!"

"Really because it looks like you're hurting yourself, on purpose." Hanna winced, yes, that was exactly what it was. She didn't have a witty answer, she didn't have an excuse to get herself out of this. She didn't have anything left in her, after their session in the bathroom, Emily would surely tell the other girls and nothing would be the same again.

_When did everything fall apart  
When did the nightmares start  
Why is it so hard  
To find a way to begin again  
Oh to begin again_

"Yes."

"Yes what, Han?"

"Yes, it is exactly what it looks like." Emily sight, and immediately curled the blonde into her. She rubbed her arms and whispered that everything would be alright. Hanna wanted to believe her, even tried to, but right now she didn't have much hope.

It had taken a week for Emily to finally convince Hanna that talking to the other girls (especially Ali), would be beneficial for the blonde. Emily had been a good shoulder to cry on for the entire week, but even Hanna knew that she could only give her so much advice and help before she didn't know what to do anymore. The blonde wanted to get better, she didn't want to live with these problems anymore, she didn't want to feel the massive burden weighing her own and dragging along with her to every social event. Hanna had trouble opening up to Mona about all the shit Alison had put her through, but eventually she had, now that Alison is was back it seemed harder to open up about the even worse problems she was facing. Emily had assured her that the girls would just want to be there for her, not to judge her for dealing with things like this.

Hanna finally caved, and Emily ushered the girls over to the blonde's house, telling them that there was something important that needed to be discussed. They had been sitting in silence for a few minutes, Hanna too afraid to speak up, or maybe she just didn't know where to start. The blonde found herself curling into Emily's side, feeling warm and safe, the brunette immediately wrapped a hand around her before asking if she wanted her to tell everyone.

Hanna nodded, she didn't think she could get through it without crying, and she refused to cry. They would already think she was broken, no need to let them see just how truly broken and weak she was.

_I can't fix you  
You've gotta face these demons on your own  
And I can't save you  
But I promise you'll never be alone  
Take my hand and take a deep breath  
You don't have a lot of chances left_

The blonde could already feel the concerned gazes burning into her, she knew that they would never look at her the same way. Hanna would have to accept that though, she knew that that was the price she had to pay to get herself out of this destructive hole she had dug herself into. Absent-mindedly Hanna started to rub at her sleeves, the fresh cuts starting to itch from the contact they had with the woolly jumper she had on.

"Hanna," Alison chimed in, her voice sounding hoarse. Hanna rose to meet her eye line, she was prepared to quickly duck away, but something forced her to keep her eyes locked. Alison was crying, not much, but the blonde could see a few tears had already streamed down the girl's face. "Can, w- we see?"

Hanna hadn't be prepared for that question, all the simple ones she had, but a loaded one like that took her off guard. The blonde desperately hoped that this wasn't just so Alison could see the end results of her constant tormenting, and then laugh in her face. Maybe she'd even take a picture. The angry took over, even though she knew on some deeper level that Alison wasn't trying to be hostile.

"Why, so you can be happy with how you destroyed me?" She unwrapped herself from Emily's arms and retreated to the bathroom, quickly locking the door before Spencer (who had moved the fastest of the girls) could stop her. The tears forcefully fell from her eyes, spewing over the dam she had so desperately tried to build. Why had she let Emily talk her into opening up about her problems? Did she really want this, her friends being worried about her?

"Han, come on. Open the door!"

"Please don't do anything rash!" She heard Aria's worried voice pipe up.

No, she wasn't going to open the door. She wasn't going to show them anything. She just wanted to sleep, to fade away from her problems for a couple of hours. Hanna searched for some alcohol, and cursed when she remembered she had moved them all out of the bathroom. She'd kill for a couple of drinks right now.

_When the road is long and it's dark as the night  
If you get too scared just hold me tight  
You're the only one who can make thing right  
And I can't fix you  
I can't fix you_

"Hanna, listen to me. That wasn't what I wanted to do." Alison's voice broke through the door. Okay, so maybe she didn't want to revel in how she had destroyed the blonde, but Hanna was sure that there was some motive behind the question. Maybe if Hanna had a clearer mind, one that wasn't constantly fighting against her and telling her things that (she hoped) wasn't true.

The girl ran trembling fingers through her hair, scraping along her scalp as she did so. What the hell, she hadn't gotten anything else to lose, everything was already on the table, might as well add this last bit.

She stripped herself of her jeans, wincing at the discomfort of the still open cuts that littered her upper thighs. Hanna tore off her top, relishing in her protruding ribs. This is what she was, this is how she looked underneath all the layers she stacked on herself, behind all the walls that she had built. Hanna pulled the door open, making the girls all jump back at the sudden disappearance of the thing they had been leaning on.

"This. This is what you did to me."

_I still love you  
You're everything to me I hope you know  
That I still need you  
To get yourself out of this hole  
Promise me you're better than this  
Promise me you won't give in_

Clad in only her bra and underwear, Hanna had never felt more exposed or insecure than now. She saw the look of utter hopelessness that was written all over Aria's and Spencer's face, she swore she could hear their hearts crack. Emily had held herself together a bit better than everyone else, already seen most of the war wounds that night of the dinner. Alison was who shocked Hanna the most, she stood there hands clasped over her mouth in shock. The few tears that had fallen before, now tripled as they cascaded down her cheeks, her eyes becoming red and irritated.

"I'm- I'm so sorry, Hanna. I didn't, I never meant-" She broke down, her legs giving out as she tumbled to the floor, loud sobs wracking her frame. Hanna felt her body go into autopilot and wrapped her frail arms around her, more tears falling from her own eyes as well. Maybe this would stop the hate that had been the foundations of their friendship. Maybe this would open both of their eyes, they are both fragile in more ways than one, and they had both been through their own personal hell. Hanna felt her own heart break, she finally believed that the blonde was truly sorry.

"It's okay. I forgive you." Hanna didn't believe the words right away, knowing that it would take longer and more than just a few words between them to repair the fractures between the two. Hanna only knew one thing, the destructive behaviour she had going on needed to stop. She needed to stop punishing herself, and maybe she finally could because Ali seemed to be genuinely sorry about what she's done.

"If I had known-"

"But you didn't, so it's okay."

_When the road is long and it's dark as the night  
If you get too scared just hold me tight  
You're the only one who can make things right  
I can't fix you_


End file.
